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sue_886
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Interests: My Savior, lillies, celtic knots, gentle rains, dark dove chocolate, irisis, babies, movie soundtracks, mountain air, photography, golden retrievers, celtic music, Starbucks coffee, conversations of a 2-year-old, sun-rises and sun-sets, cherry tomatoes, English gardens, soccer, cool breezes, strawberries, my family, guitars, mountain wild flowers, Jane Austin movies, piano songs, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis stories
Expertise: eating more cherry tomoatoes than anyone I know; thinking up more stories than I'll ever be able to put down on paper
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/9/2004
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| It has been a while since I last wrote on this site. I was getting ready for the end of semester in my last entry. Well, the semester is long gone and summer only has a month left. The summer has gone by quickly, yet not much has happened. I found a new job as a sales associate at a clothing store (won't say name but it's similar to places like the Buckle and Charlotte Rouses.)
At the moment I'm suffering from a bad cold, which has prevented me from getting any sleep the past two nights. So everything looks bleak; I am tired, sick, and overwhelmed by life circumstances. Doesn't always seem to be the case?
I attach on to things quite strongly when they are things (or people) to whom I am attracted (not romantically at all; if it is a person, then they have a great personality and I get along with them very well, if a thing-like a song-then it is something that gives me a certain feeling that gives me peace, excitement, contentment, joy etc.) so I latch on, afraid to let go. I become jealous and am always afraid I'll fail them, if it is a person. I become distant and a loner if it is something else. My friends can all attest to this, I am sure, though I doubt if they know I was aware of it. Believe me, I have always been aware. I have lost dozens of friendships and have damaged even more over this failing of mine. But once you are caught up, it's hard to find the way out. I didn't ever try to get out, so God has thrown some curve balls in my life. The past year has (pardon the language) sucked. I have lost most of my friendships, and the rest of become distant. People don't want to spend much time with me, and I don't blame them. I have known people like myself, and they are no fun to be around. So this summer, I have been pretty much alone. Sure, I see people, chat with people, like in the halls at school. But those aren't friendships, they are acquaintances. God has been showing me this summer (as much as I have tried to ignore it) that I can't let this go one any longer. I've lost almost all my friends, and have hurt the rest, just because of this behavior.
I'm the kind of person who does not trust people easily. When I make a friend who I think I can trust, I pour out my heart. Yet people let you down; just as I have let all my friends down, they have all let me down at one time or another. We are none of us perfect. So I am let down, and become crushed. Here, I thought this friend was completely loyal in the sense I wanted or expected them to be. It is never so. After that, I shut myself off again, afraid to open up. Shyness? I think not. You may disagree. Yet call it what you will. The truth is, the problem is there and is alive.
What is the connection? Friendships. Relationships. They have been the source of my summer; my mind has dwelt on these two problems for months. The first one is a situation which I am learning to improve. The second, I am just realizing about myself. The person I will attach myself to is usually the one I open up to (usually, but not always). They often break away because they want to get away from that attachment (often, but not always). I'm left feeling betrayed and yet angry at myself for "doing it" yet again.
Please don't tell me this is something you once struggled with several years ago but got through it and am ok now. I get that a lot, and I don't believe it. Not only does it sound, and make me feel, as if I am light-years behind all my peers in wisdom, knowledge, experience and situation, but it is also ridiculous. Any struggle I have is constant. If I work at it, it becomes less and less, but I will always have to deal with my failures. If I let it go, it comes back. God forgives our mistakes, yet if we are prone to get angry and hurt others, we have to constantly watch our temper. The failure may not be as strong as before, but that doesn't mean it has gone away. I could go on about this subject, but I had better stop there.
I had promised myself I wouldn't talk about this. Don't know why, but I broke that promise. I just said it. Maybe someone is going through this and needed some encouragement. Maybe someone else is on the "other side of the line," and didn't know how people felt over where I'm standing and this has opened their eyes. Maybe I made someone uncomfortable or angry. I don't try to. I just want to be honest. Speak the truth in love, the Bible says.
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| It's the first day of May. I need to change my callenders. Yes, you read that right. I said callenderS, for I have two of them. The first one contains gorgeous photos of Ireland. It's quite exciting. The second one has photos of characters from Lost. Yes, I am a fan of that tv show and not afraid to say it.
Speaking of Lost, we only have 3 episodes left of the season! What will happen? I'm sure I don't know but I'm on pins and needles to find out. All you Losties out there know what I mean. (Oh, and if you're wondering, I'm a Jate fan.)
I also need to pack. Finals are this week and I leave Sunday night (yes!) I will not deny that I'm excited about going home and seeing family and friends. It's been 4 months. Four LONG months. Quite a lot has happened but it would take me days to write it all down. We'll just say that there has been some growing, learning, changing, pain, joy, etc.
So, just got to get through finals and I'll be able to breathe.
(At Extreme Home Makeover Edition)
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| 1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
school bill at the moment; it's the biggest
2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
I'm really not good at this. . . Maybe in the mountains, with a dinner set up outside near dusk so you can watch the sun set behind the horizon. . . I like candles, music, being outside.
3. Last time you puked from drinking?
When I had my wisdom teeth out and took that stupid medicine, then had a rasberry slushy from QuickTrip. . .
4. What cd are you listening to right now?
nothing; my roommate is still sleeping. Otherwise it would be something good. 
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
my mom- I won't disclose any more info than that.
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Be home and helping mom with painting and fixing up the living room/dinning room and working on the garden and working on my story. All at home. Just a little over a week left!!!. . . .
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A singer from when I was about 6 to about 16. Reality, however, hit me hard in the face before I turned 17. At 17, an interior decorator. At 18 'till now, a writer (with some photography on the side; for fun.)
8. How many colleges did you attend?
At the second one now.
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
because it was comfortable to wear to bed.
10. GAS PRICES! First thought?
I wonder how much gas is at home
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you who would it be?
I'd move back home (or close to it) and take the school with me so I wouldn't have to drive 14 hours everytime I wanted to see my family. . .and I could have a car. . .and a REAL job. . .and. . .ok, maybe God wants me down here for a reason. But KC in the Spring time. . .I missed it. <sigh>
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't; I woke up before it could
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Don't remember.
14. What song are you feeling right now?
"Stars shinning bright above you. . .dream a little dream of me. . ."
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
What can I say to express my complete disgust at this question? To people always have to throw this kind of junk into surveys? No, wait, of course they do because we live in a sad society. . .
16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
no, although I DO love going to see them.
17. Get up early or sleep in?
Early, especially at home. But on weekdays when I have class. . .sleep sounds pretty good.
18. What was your longest relationship?
never had one, if you mean romantic relationship.
19. (If not together) Do you still keep in contact with him/her?
I guess you do, and no, there is no one with whom to keep contact. lol
20. When did you first start feeling old?
Don't feel it quite yet, but when my youngest brother is in school, I'll be old. Scary thought.
21. Who was your first celebrity crush?
Don't think I ever had one, and yes, I'm serious.
22. What is your favorite store?
The Celtic Ranch, maybe The Limited for clothes (or clothing ideas).
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
It shouldn't be just a ritual, but a committement between a man and woman, agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together (hence the, "till death do us part," part.) What's with the dying at 20 thing, though?
24. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
No one.
25. What is your dream car?
Something that doesn't look bad, has air conditioning, heat, a CD playing (that works), all parts in good, working order, and has great milage. Oh yes, and is a manual!
27. Cowboys or Indians?
Cowboys
28. Cops or Robbers?
someone like the FBI- just because, in theory, it'd be amazing to be a secret agent.
29. What ever happened to....?
Don't know who you're talking about
30. What is your occupation?
student
32. Looking back 10 years.. are you where you thought you would be?
I didn't think about this ten years ago, so no. I probably thought I'd be a great singer or something.
33. What famous person do you think is hot?
Jeremy Maxwell and Evangeline Lily (no, I'm not bi, people. That's disgusting and don't get me started. You can notice what someone looks like without being attracted to them.)
34. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
no 35. Number of texts in a day?
I'm a college student. What do you think?
36. What ringtone is on your phone?
Can't remember the name but it isn't anything exciting.
37. Do you go to church?
Yes
38. What do you want to achieve in life?
wow, um. . .I want to be at peace and have joy which passes all understanding. I want 100% trust in God and the courage to do whatever He asks of me. I want to be confident, strong, healthy, etc. Full of compassion and care for others. Yes, that's a lot. But I don't God minds. . .
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| It was about ten years ago when my family traveled home on New Year's day from a Christmas vacation in Colorado. I randomly think about this day, tearfully wondering what I could have done. Surely, there must have been something I could have done to prevent it from happening. But I couldn't prevent it. It happened.
Before getting home, we picked up our Golden Retriever, Clyde, from a friend's house where he had been during our vacation. We got home, unloaded the van and began to unpack our things. I remember sitting up in my room with my sister, cleaning my room when I noticed someone talking with my dad in our back yard. A fleeting thought entered my mind, wondering who he was and why he was there, but I didn't really pay much attention. A few moments later, my parents called us all down to the living to say what every parent dreads saying.
"Clyde was hit by a car."
My very first memory is of the day we got Clyde. My older brother and I were playing in our front yard at our old house in Denver when a car pulled up. I remember a couple getting out with a beautiful, big, gentle Golden Retriever while three other dogs sat still on the back seat of the car. I was two.
Clyde was our best friend, for my older brother especially. We moved to Kansas City when I was not quite 6. The move was very hard for all of us children, but for my older brother and myself especially. We had our family and friends in Denver and leaving them behind was very difficult. We hated our new home and it took us many years to find any real friends. So Clyde was our comfort and our companion. He was gentle and fun. He dug holes and ate the sides out of birthday cakes. He let us lay on him and use him as a pillow. He let us ride him. He was a fierce tiger when we played circus; a horse when we gave plays for our parents. We spent all our free time at our house in KC roaming the woods with him, running through the fields with him, swimming in the creek with him and playing soccer with him.
He was my older brother's best friend. I never really knew that until Clyde died.
The man whose car hit Clyde was the man who I saw talking to my dad in our backyard (which is really that field, creek and woods I mentioned.) My parents said that he felt terrible for what he had done, but I didn't even think about that. All I can remember was wishing I could cry as I watched my older brother let flow the tears. He never cried.
We burried Clyde behind the barn (we call it that, though in reality it only looks like one) next to the grave of my cat, Ashes. After my dad had dug the hole, my parents placed Clyde's wrapped up body in it. It was a blue blanket, the one he always lay on. My brother came down for only a moment to say goodbye. The only words I remember him saying, were "He was my best friend. He was the only one I told all my secrets to."
That's when it hit me, although I had forgotten about it after all these years: God gives us precious gifts and we are blinded to them. We had Clyde. Yes, I allow it is a strange name. But he was the best dog I ever met. He was gentle and obedient and only dug a few holes. He saved our cat from being eaten by a angry racoon. How many dogs would do that for a lazy, vain old cat?
It makes me stop and wonder: what do I have that I haven't thanked God for? He has blessed me with so much. Isn't it time I noticed?
As I was sitting here, wanting to write a post, wishing I had an idea, a memory of Clyde came to my mind. There will never be another dog like him. I only wish I had been thankful for him while he was here.
There are many stories of Clyde. Most I don't even know of; you'd have to ask my parents. This is the last one and, sadly, the heart-breaking one. But it isn't without meaning. And I'm thankfull God gave my family Clyde, even if it was for just a few years.
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| I remember those days that were wet, cloudy. It would rain, just a little; a gentle, soothing rain. The air would smell cool and clear, as if the mist had cleared the earth of all impurities. It would turn nature into it's deepest shades of color; green, brown and blue. I would sit in a chair by the window, listening to the rain fall, a mug of hot tea in my hands, and dream.
I cannot tell you what it was that I dreamed. You must forgive me, but such precious secrets are for my mind only. To betray them to another would be. . .well, sacreligious, in a way.
I know that, when we dream, we hope those dreams will play out exactly according to our plans. It doesn't always work out that way. God knows our dreams and desires, but He also knows what's best for us. Often, He puts those desires on our hearts and honors us with the joy of seeing them played out, if we serve and trust Him. But what happens when our wishes are not fullfilled, at least according to how we except them to happen? We grow bitter, angry, upset and hurt. We think that God isn't watching out for us or caring for our individual needs. So strange when we think we know what's best, better than God Himself. He, Who created us. He, Who knows the past, present and future. He, Who is holy, just, merciful, grace and love. Humans are sinners. Selfish. We fall over and over again, dissapointing those whom we love best. Does God? It may seem like it at times, yes. But He doesn't really.
For the wages of sin is death. We deserve to die. We all deserve to spend eternity in hell. And yet we stand here, demanding He give us what we want when really, we don't know all that much. We can't see into the future or understand what's going on around us.
It's hard to trust Him. But we should try. Me, more than anyone, should try. My whole existence depends on it. And really, I'd rather put my whole trust in Him, than in any human I know.
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